Category Archives: life
It’s time It’s time Read the rest of this entry »
Every move I make to empty my drawers and put my things into bags I feel I’m about to cry.
Taking the books from the shelves and putting them once again in boxes
makes me want to caress them,
go back in time
to good old days
to bad old days of pain and sorrow…
I wished I just closed the door and left.
I wished I could not have to leave
Not now when I feel so damn weak and vulnerable
So angry and hurt
deeply hurt from those who call themselves “my family”.
The rings are gone, I’ve lost them.
Now I only have my fingers
It’s ok, kid
But all I want is to have some sleep,
I feel so tired and sleepy,
and I have to pack loads of things,
a whole apartment full of clothes, books, furniture, paintings, music, films, kitchen stuff, plants….
I’ll have to pack everything except myself and Lilly, my dog
And seem not to able to get there… to the end of it… to get ready to leave…
And I’m in a hurry!
I have to hurry up!
Every time I change my toothpaste’s place,
I feel I’m about to lose a bit of myself
and when I take it back home
I leave a bit of my own self behind…
Sometimes it’s great when it’s worth leaving behind a part of you…
’cause you’re taking so much with you, as well…
Maybe I’m just being too scared and foolish and selfish
I’ve lived at this place I’m used to call mine
(well, I was paying for a mortgage)
for 11 years.
Now I’ve lost it.
But it no longer hurts. It is just an apartment.
At least I have me.
And if I was nothing, I would have nothing.
Life has never been easy for me.
It is being really hard right now.
And it will carry on like this for quite a while.
Why me?! Why not?
I do not tend to ask such questions.
I took my risks and I failed.
I’m moving. Another apartment is waiting for me. Smaller but nice.
I won’t have such a view, this great view to the sea of mine,
to my deep blue, sometimes grey, sometimes green sea.
I’ll have another one. Another landscape not that far away,
but quite different.
Not so astonishing, but fresh and nice.
From the 4th floor I’ll see the river and the mountains.
And the sea is also nearby. Five minutes away.
I won’t see it from my place, but I’ll feel it.
And I’ll try to picture my sea flirting with the sand
and holding her in his arms.
I’ll also remember their secrets and the way they share them,
at day or night,
while the sun warms the waters and dries the sand,
while the moon watches them all alone
dreaming and promising to love each other till the end of times.
Sometimes the sea has to leave and I know it,
but the sand never gets unhappy: she knows he’ll be back soon.
I’m beginning once again, I don’t know what.
A new life? No. There’s no such a thing.
You can’t start from the zero; you can’t erase the past.
I don’t want it either.
I’m moving. And breaking free from this home is something good.
It is sort of a renewal.
I felt here first too lonely,
then too depressive,
then too misunderstood,
and then too damn painful.
The latest years, ironically, have been the quietest ones,
the most peaceful ones,
just me and Lilly, again,
my best friend: my dog.
And here I’ve found out I’m my best mate.
After all no one can live our life for us.
And no one would.
Only our mums (I speak from mine) would live our pain for us.
Oh, yes, she would! If she could!
And I’ll always go back to this sea of mine
to this sea that stole my heart and to which I belong
sometimes sea-sand-moon-sky and stars
in total harmony
and me and Lilly walking at the seaside
or along the waters
Lilly running happy
Lilly swimming, while I lose myself between my watching,
contemplating and thinking,
till I listen to my voice calling for her: “Li, It’s time to go!”
“Der Schmerz” (The pain), Jacqueline Ditt, 1998, original painting Read the rest of this entry »
1. The song
2. The woman and the singer
3. The song’s lyrics
’I Had A Baby’
I had a baby and he looks just like me
A bald headed baby, he’s been the makings of me
His eyes are so blue, just like you
But you haven’t seen him
And I don’t know what to tell him
I don’t know what to tell him!
I had a thing with a man and he wasn’t mine to be with
I woke up one June day with him up inside me, hey
That did excited me, and I was crazy
I was always crazy!
But I had a baby…
so I’m never sorry!
He’s been the makings of me
And when he asks, I’ll tell him
That you love him, but you can’t be here
And when he says why
I say, I don’t know why
Because I don’t know why!
You should suffer instead of me
Over shit that’s because of me
I wish it wasn’t so crazy
broke my mind tell this time
But I had a baby, so beautifully
He’s been the makings of me
I had a fling with a man who wasn’t mine to be with
I woke up one June day with him up inside me
That did excited me, and I was crazy
I was always crazy!
Album: How About I Be Me (And You Be You) (2011)
4. The song’s message:
“If you can’t find happiness inside yourself, you’ll never find it in the outside world, no matter where you move. Wherever you go, there you are. You take yourself with you. This is the essence of happiness—learning to find inner contentment in any situation.”
reblogged from: http://reinventingmyselfinto.com/2012/06/word-snob/
I don’t really think there’s a road to happiness as an aim of life. Somehow everyone answers “I want to be happy” when asked about the most desirable “thing” in life. However I don’t believe that such a state of “being happy” really exists. It would have no sense at all as a goal of life. Once reached, fulfilled, what would one live for?!
Happiness is a rather deep feeling, an almost ecstatic one, that we experience just once in a while. It is very different from joy, gladness, satisfaction, pleasure or even contentment. Happiness can embrace all these feelings and others can be still added to the ‘list’ our positive emotions! That’s why we simply couldn’t feel and be happy all the time. It wouldn’t matter how hard we tried: we just couldn’t. Our human nature doesn’t allow us to stop fighting, to give ourselves to passivity, to stand still and say “I’m happy now. I’ve reached my goal of life. (It sounds a bit like as if we were ready to tell: I can die now.)” Our essence is unsatisfied itself. Mine at least is, as far as giving and getting are concerned. I’m far too demanding, first and above all from myself. And it seems never to be enough. Nevertheless I feel far more comfortable in giving, in loving. That’s my sea.
Fortunately we’re not happy all the time. And someone who tells it, either lies (to himself, above all) or is unconscious. Or too simple a person to even think about the meaning of “being happy”. No wonder ” ignorant” and unconscious people are usually the happiest ones! Knowledge, wisdom and the entire conscience of things around and inside us don’t set us free to be so.
I can say “I’m happy for you!”; “I’ve had a very happy day”; “Gosh! I’m so happy now!”, (and this is my viewpoint on the issue from the very beginning of my comment, I reinforce the idea, without making an absolute truth out of it – there’s no such concept!) but this “Being happy forever and ever” only exists in fairly tales. And even these can have different readings and funny, remarkable endings! This reminds me of a German fairy tale, “Die Froschprinzessin” (The princess frog) - I’m not quite sure about the exact translation into English-, whose story is not relevant for what I mean but its ending that goes like this: “They got married, had tons of kids and lived happily ever after. And if they haven’t died yet, then they are still alive.”
From fairy tales that feed the dream world of kids and that we read them before falling asleep back to happiness that keeps us wide awake, alive and kicking, in a sort of “state of grace”, how would we value it if we “had” it all the time?! It’s certainly safe and sound to “taste” a bit from all “flavours” from the world of feelings. They belong to us, are part of us and it’s only feeling (them) that we can decide which ones make us feel good. We can’t avoid them: they are part of life and nature as rainy, sunny and stormy days, but we can learn how to deal with them. And we can LEARN from and with them.
Our life is sort of a road. And we never know what we’re going to find at the end of it. Sometimes we drive too slow; sometimes too fast. Other times we must choose between left or right or we simply drive straight on. Quite often we get lost at unknown places, where the road-signs are not visible enough or when we’re not careful (n)or focussed. Then we need help. Some of us almost go mad trying to find it on the road map; others prefer to get out of the car, take a deep breath, look around and walk towards the nearest soul we get a glimpse of in order to ask for help. After a while we listen to ourselves laughing out loud in-between what’s about to become a non-ending talk. Before turning backwards on the next roundabout, we still get some time for a coffee and while we get into the car and listen to that “See you! Drive safe!” we realize we’ve made a friend out of a stranger in the middle of nowhere. Often we must drive the same way twice, meaning an almost nervous breakdown or a change to notice what we missed the first time. Our arrival is always unpredictable: we never know the exact time; we never know how we’ll arrive (mad at us for getting lost? Tired? Angry because of all that traffic jam? Furious for not having left home earlier? Pleased for having met someone new? Glad?( We’re not that late!) Happy? (I’m home! I’m OK.! Someone I love is waiting for me!); we don’t even know if we’ll get there. Desirable is not to think too much about it everyday, otherwise we’ll live much too scared and this means we won’t live.
There’s no road to happiness but you can find happiness on the road. It’s a bit like saying: “It’s not happy people who care about others, but it is caring about others that you feel happy.”
Trying to keep the kid alive inside ourselves in adult age is a secret to keep a young spirit and an open mind. We are cheerful, sweet, tender and trustful. Mad sometimes, as well. But a certain doses of madness is essential to our own emotional equilibrium. We laugh as much as we cry. And ( highly important!) we don’t hide our emotions. So bitterness doesn’t grow up inside, nor a stone takes the place of our heart.
And we feel happy more often!